Billy Masters 06.29.23
"I'm a twink on PrEP — I can do anything."
— Marco on Netflix's "Glamorous", the latest Kim Cattrall vehicle. This is an "Ugly Betty" rip—off — if Betty were her gay nephew Justin and everyone was inexplicably in love with him. The show has no shortage of eye candy, but is woefully lacking in anything new or creative. Poor Cattrall deserves better. We all do.
A funny thing happens to me during long trips abroad. I start out kinda like an ambassador — a latter—day Shirley Temple Black! I'm on my best behavior and try not to make waves. Eventually, I become more comfortable speaking up and being a bit more like myself. After that, the gloves are off and I turn into an ugly American. I cannot fathom why people are so incompetent. One of the last hotels on my trip asked me to streamline the check—in process by uploading my passport and filling in my personal data in advance. Great idea. Once I got to the hotel, they asked for my passport and handed me a form to fill out. I said there was no need for that — I'd already done it online. The woman flashed a blithely enigmatic smile and said, "We still need it here". "Then why the fuck did you waste my time?" God bless America!
While away, I heard a whole lot about this Phillip Schofield situation. For you Yanks, Schofield has been a UK TV presenter for eons, and was always rumored to be gay — despite being married to a woman and having children. He's like the UK's Regis! Fast—forward to 2020. He's been co—hosting a morning program for about 20 years and suddenly comes out of the closet. Nobody is sure why — until last month, when it was revealed that he's been having an affair with Matthew McGreevey — a lad somewhere in his early 20s. Making the story more salacious are reports that Phil may have met Matt when he was about 10 years old! An investigation has been launched, Schofield's career appears to be history, and McGreevey has gone into hiding, after reportedly suffering from psychological trauma.
In an intriguing side note, Phillip's brother, Timothy Schofield (a policeman), was recently found guilty of sexual impropriety with a 13—year—old boy! His trial revealed that Phillip knew about the situation, but didn't report it. I certainly can't blame him for that, but it's something that makes you go, "Hmmm". After Timothy was found guilty on 11 counts, Phillip said, "As far as I'm concerned, I no longer have a brother." Pot / kettle.
Let's turn to a domestic TV host, Kelly Ripa. Actually, we're turning to her sexy hubby, Mark Consuelos. Certainly Mark is too old for the Schofield chaps, but he's perfect for me. Recently, Mark went to work out with his Italian soccer team. Let me stop right there, because I know what you're thinking. Yes, Mark and Kelly are co—owners of an Italian soccer team. Strike that — two Italian soccer teams! Campobasso 1919 and Ascoli FC. I know all about these teams because...well, I slept with a lot of athletes in Italy. Mark was working out with one of his two soccer teams and got injured. I believe the explanation was that someone pulled his groin — but my Italian is rusty. While he was being inspected by the doctor (at least they said he was a doctor), Mark's crotchal area had to be digitally scrambled because when an Italian soccer player pulls your groin, it shows — regardless of how straight you are! A more recent headline said, "Mark Consuelos strips down to a wrestling singlet to get pummeled by a college jock." Where do I sign up to see that, you may ask? Happily, the footage of Consuelos opposing "the most dominant wrestler in college" does not disappoint — and you can see it on BillyMasters.com.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again — words matter. I know this is an old story, but when Lady Gaga offered a $500K reward for the return of her dogs, "No questions asked" — I knew it wouldn't end well. In this case, I'm sorry to say I'm squarely on the side of the chick who reunited Gaga with her pooches. Yes, she may have been an ex-girlfriend of the father of one of the dognappers. And, yes, she may have even been involved in the plot. But "No questions asked" means no questions asked. But, if I may — I have a question. Why is Gaga's gay dog walker who was shot while protecting her pooches no longer in her employ? Inquiring minds want to know.
In another departure, Prince Harry and that wife of his have parted ways with Spotify. So when you are asked, "What do Spotify and the British royal family have in common?" you'll have an answer.
Eddie Izzard has announced that Suzy is now the preferred name. How Izzard made the announcement made me smile. "As people may now well know, I have added the name 'Suzy' to my names. So going forward I am preferring Suzy but I don't mind Eddie. And I prefer she/her but I don't mind he/him. So no one can really get it wrong unless they call me Kenneth or Sabrina. I am remaining Eddie Izzard in public. Thank you. Suzy/Eddie."
The Kennedy Center just announced that Queen Latifah, Billy Crystal, Barry Gibb, Dionne Warwick and soprano Renée Fleming will be the 2023 honorees. Somewhere, Liza is wondering how many gay men she has to marry before anyone honors her!
Just when you think you've heard it all, out comes a disproven chestnut from the past — and from a presidential hopeful, no less! In an unearthed clip, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says this: "The virus is a passenger virus, and these people are dying mainly because of poppers. A hundred percent of the people who died in the first thousand [with] AIDS were people who were addicted to poppers, which are known to cause Kaposi sarcoma in rats." I suppose there is some connection...
Congrats to Luke Macfarlane who just had his first child with partner Hig Roberts. Who knew Luke had a partner? Hands? Or that his name is Hig? And, trust me — spellcheck still doesn't believe I've got that right. Luke posted this on Instagram: "Tess Eleanor Macfarlane — Born June 4th, 2023. We started life with some hectic days and received world class care. On Father's Day we got to take her home. Her Dads can't wait to introduce her to all the remarkable people and the beautiful world we live in." I'm not complaining, but I always find it amusing when a hot guy takes off his shirt for a photo with his newborn — as you'll see on BillyMasters.com.
In lieu of an "Ask Billy" question, we want to congratulate Mark MacKillop, a frequent contributor to "Billy Masters LIVE". The talented hoofer (not from Broadway...yet) has made history as the highest fundraiser for "Broadway Bares" for the SIXTH year in a row. This year, he set the lofty goal of wanting to break $100K, and raised over $120K!! This means that, to date, he has single—handedly brought in more than $392,168 for the fight against AIDS. All I did was sleep with a few hundred guys — and nobody gave me a cent (well, there was that one guy who gave me a pencil after I patted his dog). Congrats, Mark!
When we're applauding bare bottoms, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I'm happy to say that I'm back in the USA — well, at least I will be by the time you read this. I'll be making up for lost time in Provincetown over July 4th. While I'm entertaining the masses in small, tasteful groups, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com — the site that'll provide more than a few fireworks. If you have a question for me, send it to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I hop on the Good Ship Lollipop! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.