Billy Masters 11.14.24
"The clown car can't come into the White House at will."
—Susie Wiles, President-elect Donald Trump's new Chief of Staff.
"What if the clown is in the White House?"
—Joy Behar, co-host of "The View".
Sure, you're unhappy. I get it. As unhappy as you are, I guarantee you I can name someone even less happy—Melania! Did you see that woman on election night? "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" Come to think of it, where has she been? With Ivanka? Or Shelly Miscavige? Wherever she's been staying, I'm confident she's not planning on spending time in D.C. But someone better keep an eye on Trump. As crazy as he is, trust me when I say Vance is more dangerous.
You know someone who is happy? Ralph Brennan. You don't know him, but he was one of Trump's campus coordinators from Michigan State—class of 2026. Class of 2026! My God, how old does that make him? I don't have my abacus handy, but I believe I can legally give him a handy! Sure, he's also crazy. But he's also kinda crazy hot—as straight college boys so often are. But, shh, don't tell him. Eh, what the hell—go ahead and tell him. Those guys always love attention from gay men!
Then there's Nicole Scherzinger. Poor, crazy but talented Nicole Scherzinger—who I bet has also given a handy or two in her day. She's in the middle of a career apex—starring in "Sunset Boulevard" on Broadway and being touted as a shoo-in for a Tony. And then she sees Russell Brand's Instagram post with a red hat that says "Make Jesus First Again" and decides to type, "Where do I get this hat?" I don't wanna imply there's anything wrong with liking Jesus, or Ramtha, or David Miscavige. But when you see those words on a red hat—well, she's not that stupid. She knew what that meant—as did scores of theatre queens. People took to social media like they saw a video of her killing a baby...or at least killing a song. They gave away their tickets, called for boycotts, and chastised her. Clearly Nicole has some good gay friends, because someone obviously pulled her aside and said, "You in danger, girl!" She took to social media, saying she wanted to "deeply apologize for the hurt caused by my recent engagement with some social media posts. I made a mistake of not realizing that they could be easily interpreted as being politically related and I apologize to anyone who understandably reached that conclusion."
Speaking of Broadway, one of the funniest clips I've seen in ages was Jonathan Groff on the "Tactful Pettiness" podcast. He was asked to address the rumor started by the late Naya Rivera that Lea Michele can't read! He really couldn't talk—he was shaking uncontrollably and giggling like a schoolgirl. He then admitted that he's actually seen her read from a script, and that she does not come to set "off book". I'll post this hysterical clip, along with a video of Lea actually "reading" (unless she memorized it in advance), on BillyMasters.com.
By the by, Groff recently got some good news. He will star in a new musical about singer Bobby Darrin. "Just in Time" will begin previews March 28th and open on April 23rd. Groff is also a co-producer.
One of Jonathan's more notable exes, Gavin Creel, will be celebrated on Broadway with two special events. On Monday, December 2nd at 4PM, there will be a public memorial service at the St. James Theatre. And then on Tuesday, December 3rd at 6:45PM, Broadway will dim their marquee lights. Sure to be a magical moment.
This week, I'm leaving the Filth2Go Beach House in Fort Lauderdale to head back to Boston and tend to Big Mama and Big Daddy. I'm either gonna cheer them up, or unplug 'em! But I can't leave SoFla without telling you some hot real estate news. In addition to a $20 million condo in downtown Miami, David and Vicki Beckham just bought a palatial abode in a prime SoBe location for the plum price of $80 million! Yes, crazy as it sounds, the couple passed papers on this 9 bedroom / 13 bathroom home on North Bay Road overlooking Biscayne Bay. It also boasts a walk-in fridge—all the better to maintain that chilly facade, eh Posh?
I've been worried about Kathy Griffin. We caught up a few months ago at one of her comeback shows at the Mirage in Vegas. She was as funny as ever, but had enough rasp in her voice to play Stevie Nicks...or Jimmy Hoffa! But now, after all she's been through, she's back—and that extends to her speaking voice. She had an implant put on her vocal cord, which she describes as "a boob job in my throat." If you didn't know better, you'd never guess anything happened—aside from an oddly placed nipple! While she's getting some "dental work" done, might I suggest it's time for an overall tune-up? Sure, she broke the record for the number of times a female comedian has played Carnegie Hall (last held by Joan Rivers). But, why not look "refreshed" while doing it?
There's been a whole lotta celebrity deaths that I haven't mentioned. First was one of my favorites—Mitzi Gaynor. The epitome of glamour, sex appeal, and class (my bon ami Bob Mackie made most of her legendary looks). She was a helluva gal. Then there's Teri Garr. Was anyone funnier than Teri? Did you know she started out as a dancer? Hours after she passed, someone posted a video of the historic "T.A.M.I. Show" from 1964—which featured a dozen musical groups. One of the more memorable performances was done by The Supremes. And while they were singing "Where Did Our Love Go?", there was Teri, shimmying between Mary and Flo wearing what appears to be a Target tee. The video can be seen on BillyMasters.com.
The big-screen version of the musical "Wicked" found itself in an uncomfortable situation. Apparently, some of the dolls based on the film characters manufactured by Mattel were on the Target shelves. The dolls themselves were fine. But the packaging did not feature a link to WickedMovie.com, but instead Wicked.com—which is an adult porn site! Imagine parents trying to explain to kids what "Kenzie Loves Girls 2" is about—and if they can watch it without seeing the first flick! Of course, I'm pleased to see any connection between Jonathan Bailey (Fiyero) and porn! Mattel takes full responsibility, and the merchandise was pulled from the Target shelves. But if any of you have one, hold onto it. I bet it will be worth real money eventually.
Our last minute "Ask Billy" question comes from James in Baltimore: "What's going on between KJ Apa and Boston Ridge?"
Once again, you people stump me—and that hasn't happened since that night with the hot Bulgarian amputee. Sure, I know who KJ Apa is ("Riverdale"/Archie/abs), but is Boston Ridge a person or a place where you cruise men abutting Fenway Park? Turns out, Boston Ridge is a model—although I defy anyone to show me a birth certificate with that name on it. Apparently the boys have been besties since their childhood in New Zealand. KJ posted a Snapchat of them in bed together—both asleep and nude (or, at the very least, shirtless). Not really "spooning", but I'm no expert. I'm much more into forking. This led lots of people to ask if KJ is the "big spoon". It led me to a different question—who took this photo? Obviously it's staged, and good for them. I'm told it's not all that recent. But if you want to have fantasies of them spooning or forking or whatever people who don't eat do in bed, be my guest. For my part, I'm going to go get some peach cobbler—right after I post the photo on BillyMasters.com.
When I'm more interested in a hot peach cobbler than a hot nude ginger, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran late (well, we didn't but I really want that cobbler), let me quickly remind you to check out a variety of savory beings on www.BillyMasters.com—the site that's sugar and spice and everything nice. I'll be checking out my pal Christopher Titus's new show, "Doomed to Repeat", at the Tupelo Music Hall in Derry, NH on November 16th. Feel free to say hi if you're in the neighborhood. If you want to reach out from a different locale, drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before the next erection...er, election! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.