“Right now—what me and my wife like to call it—’m very fappy. I am very fat and very happy.”
- Channing Tatum tells Ellen DeGeneres all about his enormous weight gain during his downtime. How he constantly goes from being gigantic to ripped within an inch of his life is indeed an unsolved mystery. The most simple answer is that he’s only 33.
Whilst continuing with my endless convalescence in Boston, one day I noted the absence of any mail. Although the day in question was snowy, it wasn’t unbearable. I called the local post office and discovered that they were open—however couriers had a “snow day”. All I could think of was, “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds”. What ever happened to that? Yet another indication that we’re raising a generation (or two) of wussies who shriek at the first falling flake. The mailman throughout my childhood walked his route daily without complaint. It’s entirely possible he eventually dropped dead on his appointed rounds, but that’s showbiz. Instead of sharing this bon mot with the person on the phone, I simply headed down to the post office to drop off some outgoing mail. Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find a package waiting on my doorstep—from UPS! Apparently a little snow ain’t stopping them.
Rosie O’Donnell didn’t need snow, rain, or dark of night to avoid going on “The View”. She had more than a few other reasons. But a plea from the producers of “The Fosters” (an ABC Family show on which she is a regular guest star) and a bit of finessing from her publicist Cindi Berger got O’D to drop by the gabfest for the first time since her abrupt departure seven years ago. Although everyone was on their best behavior, things did get tense when the subject turned to the molestation allegations against Woody Allen. Barbara Walters had already come out Team Woody, and Ro was clearly Team Mia. Rosie diplomatically added, “I could have said something even worse, but I was editing. It’s my first time back, I’m afraid I’ll be exiled.” Walter was quick to quip, “You will never be exiled from this show” — a variation on her typical, “You’re welcomed back any time” speech.
And yet, that wasn’t the most awkward moment on “The View” last week. The real drama was on Thursday when Elizabeth Vargas was on to discuss her issues with alcohol. When asked when she realized she had a problem, she said it was on a day when she was unable to work on “20/20”. At that point, Barbara Walters awoke from her slumber and blurted out, “Well, we knew. You know, I’m very fond of Elizabeth and very proud of her. We knew. But that’s not the same as finally, in a sense, hitting bottom.” When Jenny McCarthy again tried to get Vargas to say what finally clicked for her, Walters interjected, “It was public at that point.” Elizabeth started to explain, “No it wasn’t”, but Babs wasn’t having it. As if categorically putting the subject to rest, Walters firmly stated, “But it was. We all knew.” Well, I guess she knew! Of course, after the fact, Walters apologized for appearing to pounce on poor Vargas like a post-menopausal puma. And I’m sure she, too, is welcomed back any time.
As if the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman wasn’t tragic enough, the “National Enquirer” has upped the stakes by reporting that the friend who discovered his body was also his male lover! Writer David Bar Katz has now filed a $50 million lawsuit against the “Enquirer” claiming that the “exclusive interview” he allegedly gave the publication was a complete fabrication. The tabloid quotes Katz as admitting that the two were lovers, that he had seen Hoffman use heroin in the past, and that he witnessed the actor freebasing cocaine hours before his death. Katz has no recollection of ever meeting the writers credited with the interview and says he “unquestionably has not spoken to them or anyone else from the ‘Enquirer’ since Hoffman’s death.” Stay tuned.
In an interview that most definitely did take place, Elijah Blue Allman has gone public about his contentious relationship with his famous mom, Cher. Although he describes the usual issues we all have with our mothers, things reached a boiling point when he announced his engagement to Angie King. Apparently, Cher’s reaction was silence. Given her non-reaction, Elijah decided to elope. “I wasn’t going to wait for anyone’s approval and congratulations just like I’ve never waited for any of that my whole life.” He is quick to add that he has heard from other members of his family, including Cher’s mom, Georgia Holt. Elijah claims to have been iced out of Cher’s life, including not getting invited to her traditional Christmas celebration. He Tweeted, “Me and my fiancée we’re not invited to the Malibu house for Christmas.” It should be noted that since the couple married on December 1st, she was no longer his fiancée at Christmas—she was his wife. You know I’m a stickler for details.
With the successful ratings of “The Sound of Music: Live” and the announcement of another live musical next year, everyone has been waiting with anticipation to hear what that next project will be. The network edict was that the choice be a family-friendly show, have a built-in audience, and be cast well. And everyone decided that the perfect property was “Peter Pan”. If it was good enough for multiple live telecasts with Mary Martin (who originated “The Sound of Music”), it was good enough for NBC. Who will play Pan? I guess Sandy Duncan is out of the question (ask Mario Cantone to do his impression when you see him—we were just discussing when I saw him first do it 20 years ago). Although Cathy Rigby continues to perform “Pan” at the drop of a hat (NOBODY drop a hat!), the network said they wanted a “name”. As luck would have it, I know which name star has gotten the first call—but I’ve been sworn to secrecy (but let’s just say it’s a REAL departure). But here’s an idea for an SNL skit—have various people coming in to audition singing “I’m flying”—people like Rosie O’Donnell, Elaine Stritch, Sofia Vergara, Suze Orman, John Travolta...oh, the possibilities are endless. Better yet, go to BillyMasters.com and I’ll post the old SCTV skit of John Candy as Divine appearing in “Peter Pan”!
Perhaps a good fit for Captain Hook would be Cheyenne Jackson. After all, his penis does have a slight curve, which I know my pal Matt Sizemore says brings men enormous pleasure (as opposed to a former beau of mine in Dallas whose erect penis did indeed resemble a hook). Cheyenne has some happy news this week—he’s engaged. His current fiancé is sometime actor Jason Landau —allegedly the recipient of that jerk-off video that can be found on BillyMasters.com. Many have noted that this engagement comes six months after his divorce from hubby Monte Lapka (who Cheyenne had been with for 13 years). But, as they say, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Could it be that the boytoy of a certain superstar is more interested in boys with toys of their own? So say people close to the mover and shaker who tell me that his jaunts to underground gay sex clubs are surfacing faster than Punxsutawney Phil—who saw his shadow, and not a ghost. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. In fact, I’m told that the little woman with big assets was the first to know—and doesn’t seem to care.
When groundhogs are gossip-worthy, it’s time to end yet another column. And what holiday comes after Groundhog’s Day? Why, Billy Masters’ Birthday, naturally. And like the groundhog, Billy is going to attempt to avoid the cold weather by retreating south—to the Billy Masters Beach House in Fort Lauderdale. But even with the sun, the surf, the sand, and the sex, I’ll still be updating www.BillyMasters.com - take that, US Postal Service! If you want to send me a birthday greeting (or perhaps ask a question), drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my mailman delivers a big package. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.
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