Billy Masters 11.17.22
"I'm Not Defending us. Haters are Gonna Hate...
Doesn' Matter That we're Happy & Not Bothering Anyone
—Cher Tweets her response to criticism of her relationship with music producer Alexander Edwards—who is less than half her age. She added, "Love doesn't know math." I don't think love knows grammar or punctuation, either.
I don't understand why people listen to polls. I also don't understand why people go to psychics. My skepticism is best illustrated in the story of Mary Bateman, also known as the Yorkshire Witch. Back in 18th-century England, Mary claimed to have unerring prophetic abilities. She swore that she could predict the future by messages inscribed on the eggs laid by her hens. Of course, nobody believed her—because why would you believe that? Then Mary invited several people to her farm, where they witnessed a hen actually laying eggs that said "Christ is coming". And, yes, they saw the eggs come out of the hen. Mary became a sensation. Needless to say, it was later discovered that Bateman used acid to write the messages on eggs. She then reinserted them into the hen's oviduct—which, and I say this not as a gynecologist or even a veterinarian, I believe is somewhere in the vicinity of the uvula. And that's why I don't trust pollsters—they're always trying to stick something in one end or the other.
One didn't need to be a pollster to know that Maura Healey would be elected governor of Massachusetts. While locals note that she's the first female governor of our state, the national press is making much of the fact that she's the first openly lesbian governor of a US state. But what she does with her eggs is her business.
Shortly after Healey's win, another tinkle came from that glass ceiling when fellow lesbian Tina Kotek was elected governor of Oregon. And Jared Polis, who in 2018 became the first openly gay elected governor in the US, was re-elected governor of Colorado. Bill Maher says we should be watching him. I was watching closely enough to note that I don't like my politicians wearing a suit and sneakers. Never have. But he seems smart.
I'm not exactly sure who votes for "People" magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive". But I don't mind that this year the plaudit goes to Chris Evans, another Boston boy. Here's a fun fact—Chris and I often frequented the same pizza joint in Somerville. That he became Captain America and I became the World's Most Beloved Columnist might be due to the mozzarella. Chris was modest as ever when he said, "It's something that as I become old and saggy I can look back on and say, 'I remember then...'" Trust me, Chris, it ain't so bad. Plus, we can eat all the pizza we want!
North of the border, Justin Trudeau will make an appearance on "Canada's Drag Race"—the Mounties' version of "RuPaul's Drag Race". This makes him the first world leader to appear on the show. Well, you didn't expect Angela Merkel or Benjamin Netanyahu to lip sync for their lives, did you? The show debuts next week in a special season entitled "Canada vs. the World". And I thought Canada was only competitive in ice hockey and curling!
Speaking of world leaders, I'm troubled to discover that Queen Elizabeth II was a fan of Tom Cruise. Reportedly, QEII was upset that she didn't get to meet Cruise during her Platinum Jubilee celebrations (he went to an equestrian event at Windsor Castle, which she bowed out of). To make up for it, she invited him for a private tour of the castle—and even served him high tea and finger sandwiches! And, as you know, Cruise loves a finger...or two!
He's not a world leader. In fact, he's no leader at all. But former Pope Benedict finds himself in a heap of trouble. And I'm seeing a trend—because this also goes back to Boston. Remember the Catholic sex scandal? When members of the church who were accused of molesting young boys were simply taken out of one church and moved to another? It was all immortalized in "Spotlight"—good movie. This game of musical clergy was not limited to Boston. A German man is suing for the cover-up of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his parish priest back when Benedict was Archbishop of Munich. And according to the Vatican, Benedict plans to defend himself! Now, don't get too excited—it's not like he's gonna slip on his red shoes and go all "To Kill a Mockingbird" on us. Ben's going to personally hire an attorney. Everybody had better move quickly—Benedict is currently 95!
Speaking of oldsters in sex scandals, Warren Beatty is being sued for allegedly coercing sex with a minor—and I ain't talking about fracking! The lawsuit claims that back in 1973, Kristina Charlotte Hirsch was abused by someone who had "acted in television and several Hollywood films, including portraying Clyde in 'Bonnie and Clyde'". Well, that rules out Faye Dunaway! Kristina was 14 and the actor, who was 35, offered to help her with her homework...and with losing her virginity. In another interview, she states, "In 1973 I was a 14-year-old virgin and brought and introduced to Warren Beatty on the set of 'The Parallax View' for the purposes of sexual pandering by an adult." I don't know what's more disturbing—the claims of sexual pandering, or that anyone is talking about "The Parallax View"! Due to her youth, Kristina claims she didn't know there was anything wrong with this—she believed it was "something that was special". She adds, "Although it was a crime that Beatty was committing by raping me...having oral sex with me...and emotionally damaging me for the past 44 years."
I already reported that some of my favorite people were recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. At the ceremony, the Award for Musical Excellence was given to Judas Priest. Now, I must confess, I know virtually nothing about this band, except I don't think they have anything to do with the Catholic Church! During their acceptance speeches, singer Rob Halford made this declaration: "I'm the gay guy in the band...We call ourselves the heavy metal community, which is all-inclusive. So, no matter what your sexual identity is, what you look like, the color of your skin, the faith that you believe in...or don't believe in...everybody's welcome!"
Last we heard from Shawn Mendes, he was cancelling his world tour and staying away from the prying eyes of the spotlight for his mental health. So color me surprised when he decided to go for a shirtless hike in paparazzi-laden Hollywood. And he doesn't look any worse for wear, as you'll see on BillyMasters.com.
Everyone's been waiting to see how Harry Styles would fare with the gay sex scenes in "My Policeman". I call it a mixed bag. First, I'm not entirely sure kissing is his forte—I like a firmer lip, rather than those rubbery, placid fish lips. As to the sex itself, he seems far more adept at burying his face in the mattress than any active position—but perhaps that's how he was directed. Regardless, you can see for yourself on our website.
Several people sent in the same "Ask Billy" question. But the earliest postmarked query came from Richie in Dallas: "Who is the guy playing Big Daddy on 'American Horror Story'?"
Everybody has been drooling over the leather-clad hunk on "AHS". We can reveal he is Matthew William Bishop, who is no stranger to being photographed in leather...or out. While he's an avid bodybuilder (he calls himself "a mover and a protein shaker"), this is his first acting gig. Prior to that, the New York-based babe was working in public relations. He decided to give acting a shot and was discovered by Ryan Murphy—under circumstances best left unsaid. Oh, in case you're interested, he's gay. On Valentine's Day 2021, he posted a photo with restaurateur George Mokbel and their two dogs with the caption: "Happy Valentines Day...this past year has been an absolute shitshow and there's no one I'd rather share it with." To see more of Big Daddy, check out BillyMasters.com.
When I'm not letting anyone near me with a poll, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. Now, Poles (capitalized and lower case) are another story. You can see a variety of 'em on www.BillyMasters.com—the site where Ryan Murphy gets all of his casting ideas. If you have a question, or want to submit a "head" shot, shoot a note to me at [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I get my hands on Big Daddy's pole. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.