Billy Masters 07.13.23

"If you're around your parents a lot, you see them in ways that almost no one else does. And I never saw a hint of that. I think I would have picked up on it — not that I would've cared."

— Jennifer Grant, on rumors that her father Cary Grant had gay relationships, specifically with Randolph Scott (who he was close to for about a dozen years).


If it's July 4th in the US of A, it's Billy in Provincetown. This year, our nation's birthday was marred by bad weather, not unlike when Washington crossed the Delaware (which I suspect had just as much debauchery). But the rain did not dampen my spirits when it came to shows and sex and such. Given my unique perspective, let me suggest what you should be seeing should you venture to our little fishing village on the edge of forever.

This will be the last season for the Provincetown Art House —at least under the aegis of Mark Cortale. But he's certainly going out with a bang. I zipped into town in time to see Max von Essen, ably accompanied by the legendary Billy Stritch. As I thought about my review while sitting in the darkened venue, I ran out of superlatives. Obviously, Max is attractive. He's charming. He's personable. He sings like a dream. He moves with ease. He, in short, is the whole package —and let us not even discuss his package. From the lowest notes of his range, to the top (so to speak), the voice is perfectly placed and borders on luxurious. More than anything else, Max knows how to use his lyrics to tell a story —and chooses material ideally suited for his abundant gifts. And I am not exaggerating. Go see him whenever you can. The rest of this season can be found at PtownArtHouse.com.

Then there's Varla Jean Merman. You will not find a stronger, more talented performer anywhere in the world. What Varla does is something nobody else could do —marry impeccable vocals with ideal timing and outrageous material. She will deliver a joke or a premise and you will think it couldn't be funnier —and then she'll top herself...something hard to do in Ptown, a city with nary a top in sight! Merman's show this year, "Stand By Your Drag", is timely with all the anti-drag legislation. The material is fresh, the original songs are tuneful, and the lyrics are laden with single, double, and even triple entendres. She's at the Crown & Anchor, which is one-stop-shopping for your gaycation needs. Check out their fully-packed schedule at OnlyAtTheCrown.com.

I then sauntered over to the Post Office Café and Cabaret, but only partook of the Cabaret portion (I will return for the Café). First up was the hysterical Judy Gold, whose new show is called "Everything Hurts Everywhere All At Once". She's one of those rare comics who can seamlessly weave spontaneous banter with the audience amongst tried and true material. If there's someone funnier, smarter, and with more charisma —I've not met them. Always provocative, always hysterical, and always delivers. She is only performing Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, with tickets at PostOfficeCafe.net.

Also at the Post Office is "Schartt$ Creek" —a parody of "Schitt's Creek". This is an alternate ending by writer and performer Jamie Morris (of "Mommie Queerest" fame), who plays Moira. And it's a HOOT! Actually it's a hoot and a half, but I'm not sure how that translates for our metric-crazed Canadians. Nonetheless, I highly recommend checking it out on Sundays, Wednesdays and Saturday.

Let's talk for a moment about mental illness —which is no joking matter. And I know this because I, your humble scribe, have been touched by mental disorders. Never forget —everyone has something. Acknowledging it is the first step. And yet, I was still taken aback when Bowen Yang admitted that he is suffering from "bad bouts of depersonalization". I thought that was when you ask a jeweler to erase an engraving before you re-gift! But here is how the Mayo Clinic defines depersonalization disorder: "When you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real." How does that apply to you? Imagine you get to have sex with someone out of your league and you can't believe it's happening. Or perhaps see yourself having sex in an overhead mirror. That's depersonalization. Admittedly, it's not always quite so titillating. But the point is, Bowen is getting help.

We've had a spate of gay breakups that make one take pause —depersonally, if possible. Most notable is Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, who are divorcing after six years. "We have decided to end our marriage with love, respect and dignity for our children and honoring what we have experienced as a couple all these wonderful years." How many publicists and lawyers did it take to craft that? Not that I don't believe the sentiment, but the legalese is thick. Other reports claim the relationship was "open"...lest we forget the nephew's allegations. Going back to the official release, it mentions Ricky had twin boys 11 years prior to marrying Jwan —"whom he will continue to raise as a single parent". So Jwan was married to a man with kids ages 9 through 15 but wasn't a parent? Skeptical.

Then there is Billy Porter's break with Adam Smith. The press seems fascinated that they married after a two-week engagement —like they're Kardashians! To be accurate, the couple dated for a year back in 2009. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. Then in 2015, they reunited, dated for almost two years, and then got engaged and married a fortnight later. "The decision was an amicable and mutual one and made after much consideration," says publicist Simon Halls —enough said! I couldn't help but note that both these breakups happened after six years of marriage. The straights have the seven-year itch. Maybe we gays figure it out quicker!

It is amazing how far people will reach to say something positive about our most recent former president. Here's a headline I read last week: "Donald Trump is the only living US president whose ancestors didn't own slaves". Delving deeper into the report, I learned the reason for this great achievement —his family didn't come to the US until after slavery had been abolished! The report, done by Reuters, did not mention that he is also the only former US president to have had no political or military experience, the only one to have been impeached twice, the only one to have been indicted on a criminal charge, and the only one to have had three wives. On the positive side, he is only the second president mostly likely to get stuck in a bathtub! Thanks, Taft!

Then there's those pesky dozen sexual assault charges against Kevin Spacey, which finally hit London's Southwark Crown Court. In opening statements, the beleaguered actor was described as, "A man who does not respect personal boundaries or space, a man who it would seem delights in making others feel powerless and uncomfortable —a sexual bully. His preferred method of assault is, it appears, to grab aggressively other men in the crotch." In other words, he could run for President of the United States! Spacey's lawyer, not surprisingly, denied that any of the sexual acts were non-consensual. We hear the trial could last through the month of July.

A federal judge in Orlando, FL, put the kibosh on Governor Ron DeSantis' ban on drag performers. You'll recall that Hamburger Mary's in Orlando filed a suit against the governor, the State of Florida, and various other officials. U.S. District Judge Gregory Presnell agreed with plaintiff's claims that this is a First Amendment case, and said of the law, "This statute is specifically designed to suppress the speech of drag queen performers." Of course, this doesn't overturn the anti-drag bill. But for now, it cannot be enforced —pending the outcome of the trial. Judge Presnell also denied the state's efforts to have the lawsuit dismissed. Stay tuned.

Pride Month ended with a thud in San Francisco. For years, Google has sponsored a series of LGBT events and this year, planned to close out Pride Month with a "Pride and Drag Show" at Beaux, a local bar. Then a coalition of Christian employees circulated a petition claiming it was offensive to their religion —because we all remember the passage where Jesus chastised the apostles for lip-synching for their lives! The group had a strong argument since headlining the event was drag legend Peaches Christ —whose appearance was called "a direct affront to the religion beliefs and sensitivities of Christians". Alas, the team that planned the event neglected to go through the company's "standard events process" —whatever that means. Google quickly distanced themselves from the show and planned a competing event in the office. However, many employees still went to the drag show —and "Booed". After the fact, Peaches said, "This thing that happened with Google, unfortunately for this event, is act
ually indicative of a huge groundswell of hatred across the country using drag queens and trans people as scapegoats." Oh my! As if drag and trans weren't enough, now we're bringing in goats!? Well, it is San Francisco.

Ryan Seacrest continues his quest for world domination by taking the reigns of the popular game show "Wheel of Fortune". Yes, once Pat Sajak retires at the end of next season, Ryan will host the show, which kinda makes sense since it was created by his former "mentor", Merv Griffin. But what will happen to Vanna? Ryan went out of his way to say, "I can't wait to continue the tradition of spinning the wheel and working alongside the great Vanna White." Nice words, but it's not a done deal. Yes, White has an additional year on her contract, but she's also secured the services of a lawyer to get what is being called "pay equality". Apparently, she gets one-fifth of Sajak's salary (she gets $3 million to his $15 million). Adding insult to injury, Vanna has not had a raise in 18 years. To be fair, I believe that's when she stopped actually turning letters!

Sarah Jessica Parker may be returning to another of her former roles. We hear that a third "Hocus Pocus" flick could well be in the works. According to rumors, Walt Disney Pictures president Sean Bailey would like to fast-track another installment and has put the project in development. There have been rumors that the next chapter could revolve around the new witches introduced in the recent sequel. Of course, that was the plan for the last film —until the original trio agreed to reunite at reduced rates. Yes, once again, Bette has been marked down by Disney.

Turning to her current project, SJP found a way to get in front of Kim Cattrall's cameo on "And Just Like That...". You'll recall that none of the "AJLT" co-stars had any idea Cattrall was even shooting a scene. Kim was more direct about how it came to be during an appearance on "The View". "It's very interesting to get a call from the head of HBO saying, 'What can we do?' And I went, 'Hmm, let me get creative.' And one of those things was to get [costume designer] Pat Field back, because I just thought that if I'm going to come back, I gotta come back with that Samantha style. I gotta push it." Parker was quick to put her own spin on the situation. "We've been really thoughtful about the ways in which we've, you know, approached characters that haven't been around, the ways we have invited actors back, and it's been, you know, really fun and exciting and certainly nostalgic. But I think, more than that, it's been a lot of joy." Yes, being told after the fact that Kim filmed a scene on a secret set...that's my definition of joy!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Ed in Dallas: "What is going on in England? You wrote that story about the morning TV host who was dating a teenage boy. Now some other host paid a teen boy for nude photos."
A woman made this shocking claim against a BBC presenter (TV or radio unspecified): "There were huge sums, hundreds, or thousands of pounds at a time...The money had been in exchange for sexually explicit photographs of my child." The unnamed boy was allegedly 17 when this started (it is illegal in the UK "to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18" —he's 20 now) and made close to $50K. Mum produced bank records proving the payments, which she claims fueled her son's crack cocaine addiction. The host has also not been disclosed, but has been described as a "household name" who was recently taken off the air. The public is now playing "Name That Host". First guess was Rylan Clark. "Not sure why my names floating about but re that story in the sun —that ain't me babe. I'm Currently filming a show in Italy for the BBC, so take my name out ya mouths." Jeremy Vine says, "I'm very much looking forward to hosting my radio show on Monday —whoever the 'BBC Presenter' in the news is, I have the same message for you as Rylan did earlier: it certainly ain't me." Gary Lineker posted, "Hate to disappoint the haters but it's not me." Lastly, Nicky Campbell struck out at the haters: "I think it's important to take a stand. There's just too many of these people on social media. Thanks for your support friends."

When I have a blind item courtesy of the Beeb, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long, let me direct you to www.BillyMasters.com —the site that never scrimps on size. If you have a question, send it to [email protected] and I'll get back to you before the next gay divorce! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.