Billy Masters 07.27.23
"I propose a literal dick measuring contest."
- Elon Musk's proposal to Mark Zuckerberg. Who wants to see this? Hands? Above the table, please.
Usually in the summer, we can take it easy and things land in our lap. Let others do the work, I always say. But not this week. We've got more stories than you could shake a dick at! We recently told you about a woman who accused a popular BBC host of paying her son huge sums of money for explicit photos. She didn't name the host, but we now know he is Huw Edwards, the BBC's highest-paid presenter. In a twist not even I saw coming, the 61-year-old news anchor did not reveal himself —his wife did! Vicky Flind, who has been married to Huw since 1993, released this statement: "In light of the recent reporting regarding the 'BBC Presenter' I am making this statement on behalf of my husband Huw Edwards, after what have been five extremely difficult days for our family. I am doing this primarily out of concern for his mental well-being and to protect our children." Huw is currently in a "facility" after having suffered a "serious episode". The BBC is continuing their internal investigation while the police have opted to not bring any criminal charges against Huw...for now.
Meanwhile, the trial against Kevin Spacey rambles on. We've heard lurid details from the many accusers about his alleged predatory activities. Rarely does one hear this question in a court of law: "Did he accuse me of grabbing his buttock?" Spacey described certain actions like this: "I would say in my estimate it is not a grab, not a grope. It is a gentle touch." To say nothing of a slow hand! A victim had a different opinion: "It wasn't like a caress —it was like a cobra coming out and getting hold." Spacey said, "I'm sure if I wanted to, I could have had sex with people all the time." Is he running for president? While he admits, "I was promiscuous", he termed one encounter as "a clumsy pass". He added something I'm sure is true: "I always believed in supporting emerging talents."
Then there's Studio 8 Hair Lab —which sounds like a place curing cancer! This Michigan salon has ruffled more than a few feathers after posting the following on their Facebook page: "If a human identifies as anything other than a man/woman please seek services at a local pet groomer. You are not welcome at this salon. Period." The owner, Christine Geiger, later said that LGB clients are welcome —"the rest of it is not something I support". She added, "This stance was taken to insure that clients have the best experience and I am admitting that since I am not willing to play the pronoun game or cater to requests outside of what I perceive as normal this probably isn't the best option for that type of client." I can agree with that last part —if you are a "T", why would you want to go there?
Some people are whispering that Madonna faked this latest health scare to cover up low ticket sales for her now-postponed tour. She inexplicably went from death's doorstep to frolicking around NYC. On the other coast, her "Desperately Seeking Susan" co-star Rosanna Arquette crashed her car into a Malibu shopping center. I think it's time these two reunited for a "Thelma and Louise" remake —with Rosanna driving!
As a proud member of the Screen Actors Guild, I support this strike. I'm also proud of our president (and my pal), Fran Drescher —who made a career-defining speech announcing the strike. She even handled detractors, who accused her of neglecting her duties by being photographed with Kim Kardashian at a recent Dolce & Gabbana event in Milan. She was there as a paid brand ambassador. "It was absolute work. I was in hair and make-up three hours a day, walking in heels on cobblestones...doing things like that which is work —not fun."
There's an update about whether Lady Gaga should pay reward money for the return of her pups —"no questions asked". The judge ruled that she does NOT have to hand over any money to the woman who orchestrated the reunion. That woman, Jennifer McBride, filed the suit after Gaga refused to pay the reward —and that's primarily because McBride pled no contest to being involved with the people who actually stole the dogs. The judge said, "Under the circumstances, plaintiff's successful pursuit of her current claims would allow her to benefit from her admitted wrongdoing." While I agree with that, I still feel "no questions asked" means just that.
How many of you are watching "Stars on Mars"? Anyone? Don't I always say that words matter? These people are not stars, and they're not on Mars. But apparently Lance Armstrong and his single testicle are on the show, discussing trans athletes competing in sports. "Listen, this is real simple: You want to transition, let's do it. You have your own category. We're gonna have a whole new division. We'll celebrate you just like we celebrate everyone else. Let's go. What's unfair about that?" Tinashe (another "star") said, "To me, I think we just have to care about if you otherize people. It's not good for their mental health." Ariel Winter (finally, a name I recognize) said, "You're ostracizing the people who don't fit in the categories" —which I don't think Lance is doing. He's saying create a new category. Olympian Adam Rippon said he found Lance's comments "so disheartening".
Back on Earth, cyclist Na Hwa-rin called for the need of a "third gender" in sports —didn't Lance Armstrong just do that? Na, who was born male, won Korea's Gangwon Sports Festival in the female category. Hwa-rin is described as having a skeletal muscle mass of 32.7 kilograms, which is said to be about a dozen kilograms more than a typical female athlete. When asked about the win, Na said, "My goal was to stir controversy...I am not proud of myself at all." Na believes that being born male provides "physical superiority" against biologically born female competitors. Hwa-rin added that if a third gender category were created, "we allow more people to compete in sports and let them live their dreams."
As we went to press, the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI) issued a new policy barring trans women from competing in the Women category if they "transitioned after (male) puberty". This is based on scientific research, which cannot guarantee that genetic men those who transitioned after puberty do not have a physical advantage. Those cyclists will still be able to compete —but in category now called "Men/Open".
Beauty pageants typically focus on judging exterior qualities. And since many allow plastic surgery (including "augmentation"), anything goes. Last week, a transgender woman was crowned Miss Netherlands. Rikkie Valerie Kollé proudly accepted the crown, scepter and sash "for all young women and queer people." I would like it noted that I did a whole story about the Netherlands with nary a dyke joke!
Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Gerry in Maine: "I just saw an Armani commercial and one of the models looked like Lukas Gage. Is it him?"
You've got a good eye. That is indeed Lukas frolicking with three other models in a commercial for Acqua di Gio by Armani. Should you be interested, those other models are Chase Stokes, Jonathan Daviss and Michael Evans Behling. And there's a whole lotta abs, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.
When we have an item that looks as good as it smells, it's time to end another column. I want to take a moment and acknowledge the passing of trailblazing actor, Jeffrey Carlson. He was riveting on Broadway in "The Goat" and "Taboo", to say nothing of his groundbreaking work as a trans character on "All My Children". Details of his passing are unknown, but he was 48. Closer to home, I must announce the peaceful passing of my papillon, Li Li. She was just a couple weeks shy of 16...which is an amazing run for a dog. You won't find any dogs on www.BillyMasters.com —the site that sniffs out the best. If you have a question, send it along to [email protected] and I'll get back to you before anything else lands in our lap! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.