Billy Masters 08.10.23

"You guys were talking earlier about the news cycle and getting sick of it and it's so hard to hear about it. I hope that 'Taste the Nation' is an anecdote to that."

—Padma Lakshmi probably means to say "antidote" instead of "anecdote". Unless the two words mean the same thing in her native Tamil tongue.

One thing everyone who has been through a breakup will tell you is that it isn't caused by one thing —unless, of course, your mate is bad in bed. That is a dealbreaker. In the case of the divorce of Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, we now know that it's been on a downward spiral for three years —which is particularly long since they've only been married for six! "This isn't something new," said Ricky. "We have been planning this situation for a long time. This is pre-pandemic." I've heard of people staying together for the children —but for the pandemic? "When the public found out that we were divorcing, we had already gone through a process of much solitude. We were firm that this is what needed to happen for his well-being, my well-being, and for our children." All I got out of that was Jwan isn't that bad in bed. After all, didn't Ricky say it was "firm"? And, frankly, the fact that Yosef spells his name "Jwan" would probably be a dealbreaker for moi!

I must confess that I've spent more than a few sleepless nights pondering the breakup of Justin Trudeau's marriage —or, perhaps, longing for Trudeau to ponder me. The couple went public with their uncoupling while revealing no details...except that they have already signed a "legal separation agreement". What we do know is that both men and women are coming out of the closet wanting Trudeau to come...well, wherever he wants.

Isaac Mizrahi is apparently the only gay out there to not know that Andy Cohen identifies as a top. When Cohen guested on the "Hello Isaac" podcast, one of the fashionista's more pointed questions was, "Are you a top or a bottom?" Andy didn't hesitate to proclaim, "I'm a top". Predictable. Less so was Cohen's follow-up statement. "I wish that I could...I need to loosen up, as they say." I know some men who could help him in that department.

Apparently everyone has been assuming that Troye Sivan is a power bottom. I, on the other hand, would have a devil of a time picking him out of a police lineup. Yes, I've read his name a lot, but all I'm actually certain of is that he isn't that little person from the "Austin Powers" movies. Beyond that, no clue. Well, I know he sings —but don't ask me to hum any of his ditties. One such ditty is called "Bloom", which Troye (with an "e") believes led people to assume he's a bottom. "I think in the sort of consciousness of gay people, I'm some crazy power bottom or something, which is just not the case, and I just wanted to put that out there." First, methinks the lady doth protest too much, Macduff. And, honey, if you're putting it out there —well, that's how rumors get started!

This leads to a story about Tom Daley —and the connection is not what you'd think...or maybe it is. Daley announced that he's in training for the Paris Olympics. In making the announcement via YouTube, he was playing Troye Silvan's "Rush", which is an ode to gay intimacy. At least that's what I'm told —I never heard the song.

Thankfully, I know who J. Harrison Ghee is. And yet, I readily confess that I have not yet made it to Broadway to see "Some Like It Hot". By the time I go, the role might be played by Jimmy "Dynomite" Walker! I say that because the Tony winner is already looking toward the next project. JHG is about to do what they call an "industry reading" of a new musical based on "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". Not surprisingly, the role on the table is the one played by The Lady Chablis in the film. I don't know this for a fact, but I would bet Kevin Spacey has not been invited to participate.

And now, a story about somebody I not only have heard of, but actually know. My pal Varla Jean Merman has revealed that she's about to embark on an exciting new career opportunity —a Vegas residency! Admittedly, it's a rather short residency —October 3-5. As Varla says, "It's not so much a residency. It's more like a Residence Inn". But, as I say, a gig's a gig. Varla will be playing the Westgate in Las Vegas. "It has such history. My colleague Barbra Streisand, my colleague Elvis, they performed there —and now I'm carrying the torch." I can guarantee you, there's no way I'll be missing Varla Las Vegas!

Then there's Lizzo. And, yes, I do know who Lizzo is. Anyone who can play the flute while twerking in a bathing suit onstage is my kinda gal. Alas, Lizzo is in the news for all the wrong reasons. It's no surprise that she's a big girl. Hell, she called her reality show "Watch Out for the Big Grrrls". Three of her backup dancers (two of whom were vets of the reality show) are suing her for sexual harassment, assault, discrimination and fostering what is called a "hostile work environment". The part that grabbed me was the accusation that the dancers were forced to attend and participate in sex shows in Amsterdam. Allegedly, Lizzo pressured them to go with her —I guess saying "Thanks, but no thanks" was not an option. Let me quote some of the suit's more colorful prose: "Lizzo began inviting cast members to take turns touching the nude performers, catching dildos launched from the performers' vaginas, and eating bananas protruding from the performers' vaginas." Not only does this sound unappetizing, it also sounds unhygienic. The suit claims that Lizzo was "robbing them of the choice not to participate." Robbed? At banana point? So, the dancers didn't feel comfortable saying no, but now feel comfortable suing? Could it be that they didn't want to rock the boat while on the payroll, but now that they've cashed the checks, they're looking to cash in? I'm just asking...

Meanwhile, the strikes plaguing the performing community continue. And two performers found themselves on the wrong side of the picket line. First was Stephen Amell, who went public at GalaxyCon in Raleigh, North Carolina, saying, "I do not support striking". He added that he found the strike a "reductive negotiating tactic", "incredibly frustrating", and "myopic". There he goes, showing off that Canadian education! After being vilified online, he explained that while he stands with the union, he does not stand with how the impasse is being handled. He added, "When you see me on the picket line, please don't whip any hard fruit". I can't promise that.

Zachary Levi was also at a ComicCon —but his was in Manchester, England. During his "presentation" (for which he was paid a pretty penny), the "Shazam" star said, "I'm not allowed to talk about —this is so dumb —I'm not allowed to talk about any of my previous work." While this is technically true, it's not actually true. Zachary was paid to attend the convention as a personality, not to promote any specific project. After being raked over the coals (figuratively, I'm sure), he said, "It's come to my attention that an offhand remark I made in jest last weekend is being taken out of context." See, this is why you need writers —we're much better at crafting jests! "So let me be clear," continued Zach. "I fully support my union, the WGA, and the strike." Either way, I'd still fuck him. As to Amell —only if forced at fruit point. Or if his cousin were involved.

On the other hand, Billy Crystal rented an ice cream truck and provided free refreshing treats for his colleagues on the picket line in LA. The menu (which included cones, cups, sundaes, floats, and shaved ice), was signed, "Stay Strong —Billy Crystal". It almost makes me wish I'd picketed in 90-something degree temps...almost.

Since we don't have room for an "Ask Billy" question this week, I'll take a second to tell you that the recently deleted workout videos of Orlando Bloom can be found on BillyMasters.com.

When we're giving you a reason to flex a certain muscle, we've definitely come to the end of another column. Before signing off, we must acknowledge the passing of Paul Reubens, aka Pee-wee Herman. While he was cagey about his private life, it's hard not to love anyone who frolicked with Joe Manganiello. Plus, he did something very clever —he wrote his own obituary. Maybe I'll do something like that on www.BillyMasters.com —the site that's always thinking ahead. If you have a question, drop a note to [email protected] and I'll get back to you before someone gives me head! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.