Billy Masters 09.07.23

"Mmmkay! And I'm 110lbs and a virgin! I'm not a scale or a doctor but I have spent some time beneath 215lb men and Tiny was not one of them."

— Stormy Daniels' Tweet about the alleged weight of the former president.


You can take the boy out of the beach, but you can't take the beach out of the boy...and I've got enough sand in my crevices to prove it. You didn't think that a little ol' hurricane was gonna stop me from spending Labor Day in Fort Lauderdale, did you? I've risked life and limb for less. However, prior to going down south, I had some unfinished business in Provincetown — namely, the last underwear party at Purgatory, which was made memorable by a couple who live in NYC and one of those Carolinas. I left them with memories that will keep them warm all winter long.

There were also some last—minute shows. I finally was able to see the legendary Edie at the Post Office Café and Cabaret. My God — that gal's got gams! Her high kicks rival those of any Rockette — or Hugh Jackman. If you close your eyes, you'd swear you were watching Miss Donna McKechnie! "Dance, Edie, Dance" is a fast—paced romp through Edie's story which will leave you breathless...and wanting more. Catch her when you can.

The best way to close out a banner season in Provincetown is with the incomparable Marilyn Maye. I have spent the past 15 years in Ptown with Auntie Marilyn — the last 13 of which she's been performing there. Prior to that, we'd be there on vacation. One day, Maye said, "I want to do a show here" — and, poof, she did. The 95-year-old chanteuse is the last of a...well, one can't say "dying breed", because they all died. She's the last of an extinct breed of band singers who could belt, croon, and hold you in the palm of your hand. Her two weeks at the Ptown Art House (the last two weeks of the venue) were a veritable lovefest — a sold—out lovefest. One would expect Maye to trot out all her hits, and she did. But, remarkably, she also sang new material. She's a marvel, and if you get the chance to see her, rush. If you need proof, you can see some clips of her in action at BillyMasters.com.

While I was flying down to Fort Lauderdale, I was amused to hear about a group of Swiss Air flight attendants who were dancing on the wing of their 777. A video taken at Buenos Aires airport show the crew dashing out of the emergency exit and engaging in horseplay on the wing! The only thing missing was an actual horse! One report said, "The incident also presented even more danger as the flight crew were not wearing safety harnesses." Well, I never! Every time I've been with a flight attendant (or two), they're always wearing harnesses!

It's been quite a year for Josh Seiter. The former contender for the affections of a "Bachelorette" came out as bisexual, returned to stripping, and got a boyfriend. He even announced plans to make adult films. What would come next, you might ask? Suicide — that's what came next. Last week, reports indicated that Seiter was dead at 36. He had long expressed feelings of depression and other mental health issues. So it wasn't a complete surprise when his family went public with this post: "It is with an extremely heavy heart that we share the tragic news of Joshua's unexpected passing. As all who knew him can attest, Joshua was an incredibly bright light in an increasingly dim world. His fearless voice and indomitable spirit helped thousands of people in their darkest moments feel just a little less alone." His family added information about 24/7 suicide prevention hotlines.

And three days later, like Jesus before him, he rose from the dead. Turns out, his verified Instagram account had been hacked. He posted a video — I suppose to really prove he was alive. "Hey guys. As you can see, I am alive and well. My account was hacked. For the last 24 hours, I've been trying desperately to get into it. Somebody was playing a cruel joke and mocking my mental illness and the struggles I've gone through with depression and suicide attempts and I'm sorry for all the pain they caused when they made that post." But is that really the truth? Josh's ex, "RuPaul's Drag Race" alum Monica Beverly Hillz, doesn't believe any of it — and points to the gap of time between the death announcement and Josh's rebuttal. "He didn't do shit, sat back, and got off on everybody freaking out." Of course, this doesn't answer the question I'm sure most of you are asking: "Who?"

Someone who is no longer a bachelor is Derek Hough. Last week, the "Dancing with the Stars" golden boy got married...to a woman! I'm sure it was a small consolation that his true love, Mark Ballas, was also on the altar — as a groomsman. Derek's sister, Julianne, was a bridesmaid. And in another twist, Julianne's ex, Brooks Laich, was also an usher!

Powerhouse vocalist Adele is known as a showstopper. And at a show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, she did that — literally. During a rendition of "Water Under the Bridge", she stopped singing and addressed the crowd. "What is going on there with that young fan who's been bothered so much since I came on for standing up?" The fan in question raised his hand. "What's going on with him? Yes, you, with your hand up. Yes, you. Why are you all bothering him? Can you leave him alone, please?" Security walked away. Pleased with herself, Adele continued. "They won't bother you anymore, darling. You enjoy the show. Leave him alone." Before going back to the song, she added, "Sorry, guys. He's been bothered the whole show by security and other people sitting behind him." Well, I can't blame the people sitting behind him — they probably couldn't see a thing! "He's here to have fun. All of you are here to have fun." Unless you're sitting behind him — then you're on your own!

Speaking of Las Vegas, we have some exciting news. I've already told you that the vivacious Varla Jean Merman will be performing at the Westgate on October 3—5 (on the eve of Las Vegas Pride). That same week, Vegas will welcome another luminary with her own residency. The Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, will take to the stage of the Jubilee Theatre starting October 5th. "Dita Las Vegas: A Jubilant Review" will be staged at Horseshoe Las Vegas (previously Bally's) — the former home of Fluff LeCoque. The press release promises it will be "the most lavishly staged burlesque production ever, anywhere". That's good enough for me to book a flight.

Before I left New England, I zipped up to the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine to catch the US premiere of a play version of "The Da Vinci Code". I'm surely in the minority of people who never read the book or saw the movie. But I'm delighted to say I not only followed the show, but I found it to be marvelously entertaining. It's well—written and fast—moving (save for a lengthy section in the plane — which clumsily gave us information necessary for events that happen thereafter). I don't think I've enjoyed a new play as much in quite some time. I was completely astounded by the physical set. It's smart, slick, and looks like a million bucks. The fact that it seems to be identical to the set used for the shuttered UK tour doesn't take away from how great it is. Enormous credit must go to the lead. If you only know Michael Urie from "Ugly Betty", you're in for a treat. I've seen him in "Buyer & Cellar" and "Torch Song Trilogy", so I know he's a theatrical animal. But in the role Tom Hanks played in the film, Urie gives a galvanizing and nuanced performance which holds the whole show together with ease. My pal Charles Shaughnessy plays Sir Leigh Teabing with aplomb and provides a good amount of sly humor in just the right places. While I'm singling people out, I must note David T. Patterson, who not only is a very good actor, but who titillates with his magnificent body (unfortunate lashed back makeup notwithstanding). It runs until September 23rd, so check it out at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Let's slip in a quick "Ask Billy" question. One of our most loyal readers, Benjamin, writes, "I saw an article about Jaclyn Smith's son Gaston getting married — and Kate Jackson attended. I wondered if this meant her health issues have finally resolved. Also, is this Gaston's first marriage? To a man or a woman? Is he hot?"

So many questions, so little time. We don't know much about the reclusive Kate, except that she looked fine at the wedding — even if she was wearing what appeared to be white jeans. On the other hand, Jaclyn made up for it with a gown that had on so many feathers, it looked like she was about to do a burlesque show in Vegas herself! As to Gaston, he married a woman — Bonnie Lane. I'd certainly call him handsome — even dashing. You can check out photos from the wedding on BillyMasters.com.

When we're posting photos from a heterosexual wedding, we've definitely come to the end of another column. But we've got much more entertaining media on www.BillyMasters.com — the site that has something for everyone. And if any of you have a question, send it off to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Jaclyn's booked as Dita's opening act in Vegas! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.