Billy Masters 11.02.23
"Brad Pitt, I think, in 'Troy'. That's a beautiful man. There's no denying it."
—Jacob Elordi tells Jimmy Fallon his first celebrity crush. If you can't place Jacob, you'll soon see him playing Elvis Presley in Sofia Coppola's "Priscilla".
I spent last week in Milan. Correction—I spent last weekEND in Milan. Yes, 48 hours in Italy. What can I say—it was an invitation that I couldn't pass up, although I probably spent more time in the air than in Milan. But some things are worth traveling for. A few days earlier, I was part of a memorable lunch in Fort Lauderdale filled with a number of people I've known for over 25 years—including legendary drag divas Thirsty Burlington, Varla Jean Merman, Joe Posa, and Joanna James. We all started out as little club kids and all developed a level of notoriety that...well, defies defining. We don't see each other as often as we used to, but these are people with whom I can pick up a conversation we started decades ago. Looking around that table, I felt terribly nostalgic for the people we were—and awfully proud of the people we've become. Let's do it again....soon!
Sometimes, two completely dissimilar things can happen at the exact same time. Last week, Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz had his life threatened by a New Hampshire college student. Don't take my word for it—the student has actually pleaded guilty. And since Gaetz is a federal employee and the threat took place across state lines, it's a federal charge. The student in question is Allan Poller, and he goes to Keene State College—and, while neither hither nor yon, he's quite a looker. The threat was articulated on Gaetz's voicemail! "If you keep on coming for the gays, we're gonna strike back and I guarantee you, you do not want to fuck with us. We will kill you if that's what it takes. I will take a bullet to your fucking head if you fuck with my rights anymore. And then if you want to keep going down that path, you know who's next." He ended the message by spelling his name—and leaving his phone number. In turn, Gaetz played the message on his podcast, keeping in the part with Allan's name and phone number. So you can only imagine what Allan's been going through. But, I'm sorry, Poller, I'm siding against you. There's a reason you do these things anonymously, or use a vocal distorter. And you certainly don't give out your phone number. By identifying yourself, you showed great courage...and great stupidity. It will haunt you the rest of your life—while Gaetz will sleep like a baby.
On the exact same day as Allan's message to Gaetz, the city of Orlando purchased the building formerly known as the Pulse nightclub. It took seven years, but the City commissioners and the mayor finally approved the $2 million purchase. The city will put up a memorial on the site that will honor the 49 lives lost. They may want to consider having music playing—just to remind people that the victims were dancing and having a good time when this tragedy occurred. But don't charge a cover—that would be tacky.
We have two other opposing stories that need to be discussed together. First off, my beloved Charles Busch has a new film out. "The Sixth Reel" played a number of film festivals last year, and even enjoyed a brief theatrical run in NYC last month. They just signed a deal with Apple TV to air the flick. YAY!
Around the same time, a letter was circulated by Outfest—probably one of the largest LGBT-Whatever film festivals in the world. The letter was addressed to major donors, and the news wasn't good. They're basically on the brink of bankruptcy! "Outfest is in serious financial jeopardy and urgently needs to raise $750,000"—which sounds shockingly similar to Donald Trump's call to Atlanta looking for 11,780 votes! Allegedly, Outfest had numerous large undisclosed debts which were hidden from the board—talk about burying the lead! They hope gays with deep pockets will bail them out. Personally, I wouldn't give them eighty-eight cents until someone explains how they got into this position.
There's a few reunions on the horizon. Kellan Lutz and Cam Gigandet—two of the only reasons to suffer through "Twilight"—are starring together in "Desert Dawn", which is described as a "crime thriller". When I first read this story, I swore the film they were making was called "Delta Dawn", and I pictured them playing lovers. Another missed opportunity. Meanwhile, Taylor Lautner is curiously missing in action. Sure, he can't act—but he is (or was) pretty. And we know that certain predatory and shifty auteurs were willing to take him under their wing (he writes euphemistically). Either Taylor didn't want to play ball, or everyone's already over his balls.
Elsewhere on the reunion circuit, let's talk about "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". And I don't mean the reboot that everyone loves. I mean the OG from 2003. That was truly groundbreaking television and brought us Carson Kressley, Jai Rodriguez, and three others I couldn't name if there was a gun to my head. Collectively, they were the first gays that Middle America latched onto. The original Fab Five (of the gay world) are having a special 20th anniversary reunion. It will take place at the Wind Creek Event Center in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania—which sounds positively Biblical. The show is on December 16th, and tickets range from $50-$100 (plus those pesky fees). You can get more information at WindyCreekEventCenter.com. Please tell me how it goes...and who they are!
People think Jada and Will are so special. Well, I have news for them. Meryl Streep and her hubby, Don Gummer, have also been separated for six years! The news didn't come from Meryl or Don. It came from Streep's spokesperson. "Yes, Don Gummer and Meryl Streep have been separated for more than 6 years, and while they will always care for each other, they have chosen lives apart." Why tell us now? Must be something in the water. I don't believe they live in separate houses on the same compound. Or have a red table.
So, Britney's book has come out. Who has read it? Hands? Not even Britney's? Here are some of the choice bits to have leaked from the memoir. She talks about when she flew to Sweden to record her first songs. "I barely registered the difference between there and New Jersey; I was just in another booth." She claims to have turned down a role in the film "Chicago"—it was for one of the merry murderers who take part in "The Cell Block Tango". Her marriage to family friend Jason Alexander only happened because she was bored and "just honestly very drunk". Her relationship with Timberlake was volatile and ended when he accused her of having an affair with Wade Robson—who, of course, was "busy" with Michael Jackson at the time. Brit claims that Justin broke up with her via text! Lastly, Spears claims Justin used a "blaccent" during the *NSYNC days—in other words, speaking as if he was black. Since I don't have an Ebonics/English dictionary, I cannot translate for you.
But Michelle Williams might be able to translate. Why? Well, the five-time Oscar-nominated actress is the one who read Britney's audiobook. And trust me, you haven't lived until you've heard Michelle Williams speaking as Britney impersonating Justin Timberlake (which you can hear on our website). "His band *NSYNC was what people back then called 'so pimp'. They were white boys, but they loved hip-hop. To me, that's what separated them from 'The Backstreet Boys'—who seemed very consciously to position themselves as a white group. *NSYNC hung out with the black artists. One day, J and I were in New York, going to parts of town I had never been to before. Walking our way was a guy with a huge, blinged-out medallion—he was flanked by two giant security guards. J got all excited and said so loud, 'Oh yea, fo' shiz, fo' shiz, Ginuwine, what's up my homie?"
Could it be that a full-scale mutiny almost took place on that fast-paced show? It was a good idea—a tribute to their fallen leader. Obviously the show's golden boy would take part in what was conceived as a group effort. That wasn't how Goldilocks saw it. He insisted on being in the middle (a position he prefers) with everyone surrounding him. Seeing them as backup was clear when during rehearsal he actually bellowed at someone to "back up". For him, it was strictly a star turn, and nobody dared say otherwise. After all, they all want to keep their jobs.
When I'm dancing as fast as I can, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. Once again, without fail, a notable celeb dies as we go to press. With my living in the fast lane, the death of Matthew Perry stings particularly hard. While he was always lovely, I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't long for this world. Like everyone, I'd always root for him. Rest in peace. Alas, the freshest dish can always be found at www.BillyMasters.com—the site that always stays current. If you have a question for me (note I haven't answered an "Ask Billy" question in weeks), send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before we find out for whom the bell tolls. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.