Billy Masters 08.08.24
"I'm only trying to make it to vote for Kamala Harris."
—Former President Jimmy Carter explains what makes him want to hang on until after his 100th birthday on October 1st. I smell grounds for a voter fraud investigation.
By the time you read this, I'll be back from my month abroad. I'm limited from recounting details of my frolicking due to an iron—clad NDA. But I can reveal that the bulk of my time was spent with a limber lad from Slovenia with ties to the US — but I can't say more. Well, I could mention that not only are they quite fetching in Slovenia, but guys and gals in that locale can be had for the price of a ripe cantaloupe! Alas, it's a tragic story right out of a "Bel Ami" video — this boy was born without a vowel! When he introduced himself, I was sure he was coughing up a hairball! And to think I used to make fun of Steve Kmetko — at least he has two vowels! This child couldn't even ask Vanna to buy one. Still, there's more to life than vowels, as I learned in several languages.
Forget everything you've ever heard about the French. Those Olympians sure know how to make you feel welcomed. On the eve of the Games, three—meter French synchro divers Jules Bouyer and Alexis Jandard posted a shot of them standing in the shower in their Speedos with the caption "Welcome to @Paris2024". It got millions of hits in a matter of seconds — I think primarily due to Bouyer's fully—packed package. Then again, Alexis did become something of a social media sensation back in April at the opening of the Olympic Aquatic Center. With the world watching, he put on a less—than—stellar display of his talents when he had a major mishap on the diving board. Shrugging it off, Alexis boldly posted the video online with the caption, "How to Perfectly Mess Up Your Dive". To me, he's already a winner! Catch him in all of his glory on BillyMasters.com.
As to his partner, Jules Bouyer created quite a stir during the Games while sporting a swimsuit that appeared see—through. But, like Alexis, he took it all in stride. "It was rather fun. I prefer people to look at my dives rather than my briefs, but there's nothing to worry about." Trust me, I wasn't worried. I know all about shrinkage.
The divers were trumped by Anthony Ammirati, France's best chance at grabbing the gold in pole vaulting. Sadly, his pole got in the way of a clean vault, but whetted the appetite of eagle—eyed viewers around the world who were hungry for more. While the video has been scrubbed from most sites, you can still grab it on BillyMasters.com.
The Games kicked off with controversy when the opening ceremony seemed to mock the Last Supper with drag queens. You'll note that it was mostly conservative Americans who complained. That's because most people in other parts of the world know a thing or two about history and culture. Plus, you don't need to be a Rhodes Scholar to know only 13 people were at the Last Supper! The Olympics were actually paying tribute to the gods on Mount Olympus, immortalized in numerous works of art, including Jan van Bijlert's "The F
east of the Gods". At the center was Dionysus, the father of Sequana — Goddess of the River Seine. And where did this "tableaux vivant" take place? Oh, on the banks of the River Seine, naturellement.
With the presidential race heating up, "Saturday Night Live" has come up with an inspired way to recreate the ratings gold that greeted Tina Fey's portrayal of Sarah Palin. Lorne Michaels has secured the services of Maya Rudolph through the rest of the year. Obviously, she'll be playing Kamala Harris — although I suspect, in a pinch, she could also play Usha Chilukuri — AKA Mrs. J.D. Vance!
Since we've still got a month left of the summer, I'm trying to squeeze in some time on Cape Cod. While I have friends in Ptown to see (Miss Richfield 1981 at the Pilgrim House and Thirsty Burlington at the Crown and Anchor to name but two), I may make a pit stop. One rarely talks of Payomet, and that truly saddens me. The Payomet Performing Arts Center is located in Truro — which is kinda Ptown—adjacent. Every once in a while, Payomet gets a big—name performer — I believe Mickey Dolenz once headlined a show. Little Stevie Van Zandt also appeared there — sans Bruce and the gang. This year, a handful of performers caught my eye. Taylor Mac performs on August 9th, Paula Poundstone on August 10th, Rosanne Cash on August 12th and 13th, Judy Collins on August 19th, and the legendary Mavis Staples hits the stage August 29th. With Ptown being so close, Payomet occasionally rents out Provincetown Hall and calls it "Payomet Road Shows". John Waters did an evening at Town Hall under the Payomet banner. And over Labor Day weekend, there will be someone that will appeal to my audience. The hunky and hilarious Matteo Lane will hit Town Hall on Friday and Saturday, August 30 and 31. This is a rare opportunity to see a funny gay man in his natural habitat (my performances at the Dick Dock don't count). Grab your tickets at Payomet.org. You don't need a ticket to grab moi. The line forms...well, wherever you'd like.
I also need to see Jamie Morris' latest hit, "The Devil Wears Payless", at the Post Office Caf and Cabaret. The timing is fortuitous, because Disney has fast—tracked a sequel script to "The Devil Wears Prada". They're even in talks with director David Frankel to return. But what about the stars? A source close to Meryl Streep told me that it would be unlikely she'd want to reprise the role, which she felt was perfect the first time around. And Anne Hathaway previously said she didn't think there could be a sequel. "I just think that the movie was in a different era. Now everything's gone so digital and that movie is centered around the concept of producing a physical thing and it's just...it's just different." But if they come up with a good premise, who knows? I reserve the right to remain skeptical about all of this until Disney actually makes "Sister Act 3".
I don't know if I've mentioned him before, but where in God's name did ABC's Whit Johnson come from? I just saw a newsbreak with him, and my God — he puts Mrs. Muir and Mr. Marciano to shame. That's all.
By the by, CBS reporter Seth Doane regularly spends time in Provincetown — when he's not in Italy with his hubby. Who knew we had so much in common? Do you know how many husbands I slept with while I was in Italy?
Norah O'Donnell has just announced that she will be stepping down from anchoring the "CBS Evening News" after the election. Anyone who thinks this is voluntary probably believes Dan Rather wanted more time to whittle! The network announced that O'Donnell will be replaced by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois (no relation to Ja'Net). Proof positive that it takes two men to replace one very talented lady. Norah will become "Senior Correspondent".
Cameron Mathison will soon be out on the open market. "After 22 years of marriage, we have made the difficult decision to part ways," Cam says in a joint message with wife Vanessa. The shocking part to me is that they've been married for 22 years. "We enter this new chapter with deep love, kindness, and respect for each other." They have a 21—year—old son and 18—year—old daughter. One thing I think we can all agree upon is that Cameron has the furthest thing from a "dad bod" — unless your dad is...well, Cameron Mathison!
Which is a perfect segue into our "Ask Billy" question. Steven in Colorado writes, "I just saw some hot photos of Tom Cruise on a beach somewhere. What is he up to?"
Talk about a dad bod — although I'm loath to use that term until I see some proof of genetic testing. The 61-year-old Cruise showed up shirtless on the beach of Pollensa on the island of Mallorca. Given his diminutive stature, his proportions always looks curious in candid shots — versus his larger-than-life perfect presence on screen. As to what he's up to, rumor is he'll turn up at the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympic Games. This isn't a big surprise, since he's gone to a number of events. But given that the 2028 Summer Olympics will take place in Los Angeles, the organizers are looking for a major star to tie it all together. We're told Cruise may drop in — literally.
When we've got a hankering for a baguette with some juicy Polish sausage, it's definitely time to end yet another column. As we went to press, Zac Efron was rushed to the hospital after a "minor swimming incident" at an Ibiza pool. I once had an incident at a pool in Ibiza. I don't know how minor it was — I didn't check everyone's IDs! And, once again, I was sure I saw a sign that said clothing optional. On the positive side, it did lead to a memorable weekend with the Spanish water polo team. Some of them still write! For other athletic adventures, check out www.BillyMasters.com — the site that keeps lots of balls in the air. If you have a question, send it along to [email protected] and I'll get back to you before my next trip abroad. Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.