Billy Masters 09.19.24

"It would be Joanna Gleason in 'Into the Woods'. I should have won for 'Anything F*&#NG Goes', OK? I love you, Joanna, but you robbed me."

—Patti LuPone's response to Aubrey Plaza's question on "Hot Ones Versus": "While you are a three-time Tony winner, you are also a five-time Tony loser. Which of the actresses that beat you deserved their win the least?" Ladies and gentlemen, Patti LuPone—National Treasure!


Apropos of our opening quote, Patti LuPone is starring alongside Mia Farrow in a two-character play on Broadway called "The Roommate". Alas, they're one roommate short—Miss Farrow has been stricken with Covid. Filling in for her is the marvelous Marsha Mason. Of course, this will ruin one joke in the show—when Farrow's character gets a voice message from her son—unless Marsha typically gets calls from Ronan Farrow!

The big story of last week was the debate. And the winner was...David Muir. My favorite part of the debate was when they took a commercial break and showed a clip of Muir in a helicopter with his biceps bulging out of his T-shirt. OK, so the clip was 20 years old...but still. The paucity of skin shots of Davey online caused some ingenious Internetians to create some images. In many of these, Muir is sporting significantly more hair on his body than I suspect he has—not that I know firsthand. We'll share the real and the fake on BillyMasters.com.

I haven't gone to the Emmy Awards in person since the pandemic. But I don't feel like I missed much. Oh, sure, I'd drive my Chevy to either Levy, even if they were dry. I thought Eugene and Dan did a great job hosting. Joshua Jackson and Matt Bomer were moving and stylish in presenting the Governors Award to Greg Berlanti. And I loved how they worked in all the old stars. But perhaps next time someone could place Candice Bergen closer to the stage. She's still winded!! At least were already onstage when the curtain opened on the "Happy Days" reunion...which, needless to say, didn't include Chachi! While I don't watch TV as much as I used to, I was startled by Andy Griffith's transformation for the latest season of "Matlock"! I'm delighted any time I get to see Carol Burnett, but apparently she's not as funny as "The Bear". And maybe it's me, but I don't remember Da'Vine Joy Randolph in "The Honeymooners". But I was always Team Trixie!

There was another story that hasn't gotten nearly enough coverage. Surely you recall that in the early hours of June 18th, Justin Timberlake was arrested for drunk driving. But was he drunk? He refused a Breathalyzer test (which all good lawyers suggest is a smart move). Last week in a Sag Harbor courtroom, Timberlake pleaded guilty to "driving while ability impaired" instead of "driving while impaired"—which I supposed is the difference between being tired and being drunk. He has to do 25-40 hours of community service and make a public safety announcement. He also paid a $500 fine (add a few more zeros and you get an idea of what he paid his lawyers). After the hearing (to which he wore a pearl necklace), he said: "I try to hold myself to a very high standard for myself, and this was not that." I'd love for some English teacher to tell me how many rules he broke in that statement. Justin added, "This is a mistake that I made but I'm hoping that whoever's watching and listening right now can learn from this mistake. I know that I certainly have. And like I said—even one drink. Don't get behind the wheel of the car." Nice sentiment, but you still have to make the PSA!

In a somewhat related story, JC Chasez has been in the news. No, really—he has! Stop laughing! Apparently, he's teamed up with composer Jimmy Harry and will release an album next month. "Playing With Fire" is a 16-track concept album based on "Frankenstein"! I said stop laughing! The press release says it will blend electronic pop and classical music. The most curious thing about the press release was this tidbit—JC's legal name is Joshua!

I don't want to call Sabrina Carpenter a big fat liar—but that's exactly what I'm going to do. If you watched the VMAs last week (which I didn't), you know that Sabrina showed up wearing what she said was Bob Mackie's vintage gown made for Madonna's appearance at the 1991 Oscars. Sabrina said, "Madonna has always been incredibly supportive. Word got to her that I wanted to do a Madonna look tonight, 'cause of all the comparisons I get to her. And she literally sent me her Oscars dress. It was insane." And it sounds insane on so many levels—partially because I'm not entirely convinced Madonna knows who Sabrina Carpenter is! Then Carpenter's stylist, Jared Ellner, spilled the beans. "Madonna still has the custom gown Bob Mackie made for her in her archive, but the other sample piece is the dress I believe we have." So, for those of you keeping track, it sounds like he doesn't believe Madonna went down to FedEx and sent Sabrina a dress! 'Cause of all the comparisons, y'know!

Then Britney Spears weighed in. Britney didn't watch the VMAs—and that concludes this week's installment of "Things Britney Spears and I Have in Common". Spears made it clear she too has no clue who Sabrina is. "This Sabrina girl said my name on the red carpet and I thought that was kind of cool...This Sabrina girl...Carpenter! Thanks! That's cool!" Britney chimed in because Sabrina paid homage to Spears' onstage kiss with Madonna by kissing an alien—and not the kinda alien that is eating all of the pets in a neighborhood. In this case, it was an actor wearing a costume made popular in that fantastic FOX special, "Alien Autopsy—Fact or Fiction?" (and I can answer that for you—it was fiction). Britney says she saw the clip online and wanted to share her opinion. "Why is she kissing an alien onstage? I didn't understand that part. Why didn't she kiss a girl?" And that concludes this week's installment of "Things Britney Spears Doesn't Understand."

Speaking of Madonna, may I give her some unsolicited advice? Enough with the capes. Wasn't it bad enough when she was almost decapitated at the 2015 Brit Awards? For those of you who don't remember (as opposed to those of us who watch the video daily), Madge was standing backwards on top of a staircase, with her long cape blowing in the wind behind her. Dancers were supposed to pull the cape and it would tear away from her. Alas, she tied it a bit too tightly around her neck, and she went flying. I bring up this memorable moment in music history because last week Madonna was at the Luar show for NYC Fashion Week. Again, she's wearing a cape and thankfully she had at least three attendants helping her. This time, the culprit was a pair of thigh-high stiletto boots which almost caused her to tumble. Obviously she should have known better. I think it even says not to operate machinery or wear capes when taking Boniva! You can see the tumble and the near-miss on our website.

I might have missed the VMAs and the Emmys, but I am actually heading out to LA in a couple of weeks. Why? Because some of my favorite gals are getting together for a special show at The Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts in Beverly Hills. "Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now" is a new show conceived for Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler and Laura Bell Bundy—yes, the original Tracy, Penny and Amber from the Broadway musical "Hairspray"! They are reuniting for this fabulous show, which is subtitled "From Broadway Babies to Broadway Mamas". The show is on September 26th at 7PM and 9:30PM (FYI, I'm going to the late show). Now, I don't want to let the cat out of the bag ('cause I'm planning on having a snack during intermission), but I hear there might be some special guests. If I were you, I'd grab my ticket fast at TheWallis.org. BYOC (bring your own cat).

Our "Ask Billy" question made news everywhere, and yet Todd in Baltimore was the first one to tell me about it: "Is that tape of Shannon Sharpe having sex real? Can you actually see him? I can't find the video anywhere."

I must confess, I had no idea who Shannon Sharpe was/is. By now, I'm sure everyone knows that he is a very hot tight end. Well, you'd think that alone would get my attention. Admittedly, he's a retired tight end, but his photos look appealing enough (he's retired from playing football but can be seen on ESPN). Moving onto the video. In one of those instances you'd never find me in, Sharpe claims to have been having sex when he inadvertently recorded the tryst. "I threw my phone on the bed, engaged in an activity. I did not know IG Live. I've never turned IG Live on so I don't know how it works and all of a sudden my other phone started going off." I have to say I find this entire story somewhat suspect—especially since the phone happened to fall in a way that happened to record on Instagram Live, happened to not record any video showing him (aside from some fleeting skin), and happened to record at a particularly vocal moment of coitus with some guttural moans not to be missed. And, what do you know—prior to this nonvisual recording, there were gay rumors about Sharpe. Call me skeptical, but you can also call on me if you want to see (or hear) all. At BillyMasters.com, of course.

When we're sharing a sex tape for the blind, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Alas, this unseen Michelle is the only one who knows how tight his end actually is. But we're staying on it and should this tight end crack open, you'll hear about it on www.BillyMasters.com—the site that always gets to the bottom of things. If you wanna share a tip with me (or Shannon), send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Ronan leaves me a message! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.