Billy Masters 05.15.25

"Today, he opened to the world. To me, he opened 50 years ago."

—Diane von Fürstenberg's response to Barry Diller's tell-all. I'm not exactly sure, but I think she just called him a bottom.


You know I hate to complain. But what the hell kinda conclave was that? My God, the movie was longer (or maybe it just seemed longer). Anyway, we have a new Pope—Leo XIV. Didya know the new pope watched the film "Conclave" before going into the actual conclave? At least that's what his brother told the press. Just what the Vatican needs, the papal equivalent of Roger Clinton! I have friends who aren't happy that this pope is somewhat conservative regarding gays and women in the church. People, grow up. This is the Catholic Church! It's like saying McDonald's should hire more vegetarians! Speaking of food, here's a fun fact—apparently it's against the rules to serve ravioli during a conclave? In the past, people would send secret messages inside the certain food. That's why tubular pastas and roast chickens are also against the rules. At least now I know why so many priests have turned to me in a confessional and said, "Is that cannelloni in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

You know who should have gone to confession once or twice? Anna Wintour. If someone had guided her to forgive André Leon Talley, she wouldn't have had to mount an entire Met Gala just to make amends with the late (and certainly great) fashionista! But there we were, celebrating the ultimate Black Dandy. For me, the Met Gala is rarely a fashion show and more a freak show. I find most of the outfits either ridiculous or ludicrous. I will admit that Whoopi looked quite fetching in her Thom Browne ensemble. But is there any reason she couldn't smile? Even a little? I've seen happier people in hostage videos. Then there's that singer Lisa, who you'll remember from the recent Oscars. If you looked closely (and you're forgiven if you didn't), you'd have noticed the crotchal area of her Louis Vuitton ensemble seemed to be embroidered with the image of Rosa Parks! Turns out, Lisa had the likeness of several notable people included in the fabric. And who doesn't want a little inspiration when looking down at their crotch? Especially of someone who is most notable for taking a seat...up front!

Then there was that buck-tooth actress from "White Lotus" whose name escapes me—who attended the gala with Patrick Schwarzenegger. On the red carpet, she was questioned about her alleged feud with co-star Walton Goggins (who was only feet away from her). She said she adores him. Enough to show up when he hosts "Saturday Night Live"? She said she expects him to hit it out of the park, but has no plans to be there. FYI, she didn't show up and wasn't even mentioned.

Schwarzy is campaigning to star in Luca Guadagnino's remake of "American Psycho"—a role I presume will go to someone with a higher profile (not that Christian Bale was that big when he made the original in 2000). Still, good for Paddy for taking his shot...even if it was from the red carpet of the Met Gala while holding a red clutch!

Lil Nas X, certainly both a fashion plate and a black dandy, did not attend. Of course, if you read this column, you know he's suffering from something in the Bell's Palsy family. Apparently his medical condition is not getting any better. He announced that he will drop out of the Outloud Music Festival in Los Angeles (part of WeHo Pride). "After my recent hospital visit, I—like all of you should—must prioritize my health and getting back to 100%. As it currently stands, I would not be able [to] perform that type of show my fans and community deserve. I am sorry! Even though I can't be there, I hope you all show OUT for Pride. Now more than ever, we need to be seen."

Didya know Sandra Bernhard had open heart surgery? She claims it was not nearly as critical as it sounds. "It was a planned surgery. It wasn't that dramatic." Sounds a little dramatic. While lying on the gurney, she looked up and said, "I know we're just minutes away from being wheeled into the operating room, but I'm an actress. I'm a performer. Do I need to bring in a plastic surgeon?" They told her, "We'll make it work; we'll make it beautiful." And so it was, as she showed off during her opening night at The Café Carlyle. The Café Carlyle? Who is she? Bobby Short? Marilyn Maye? Anyway, the show was reportedly a smash.

Watch how I combine Catholicism, the church, and queer singers. Every year, the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra presents a big, splashy musical in a semi-staged performance. This year, they are doing "Jesus Christ Superstar". In the plumb role of Jesus Christ we have...Cynthia Erivo? Well, after appearing in greenface, why not? Still, I don't recall the Biblical passage about Jesus having a nose ring. Her Judas will be Adam Lambert! In a way, I find it all inspired casting. These shows typically sell out, so if you want tickets, you better go to HollywoodBowl.com.

The entertainment business makes strange bedfellows. Picture it—an all-star tribute to Joan Rivers taking place at the legendary Apollo Theatre in Harlem being shown on NBC. Forget what's wrong with this picture—what's right about it? When Missy was asked how the lineup was chosen, she said, "First of all, we took anyone who said yes." Finally, a refreshing moment of candor (and ebb). "Joan Rivers—A Dead Funny All-Star Tribute" will air on May 13th on NBC—the network that blackballed her.

Speaking of strange bedfellows, let's talk about Barry Diller. So, he's gay. Anyone surprised? Hands? We'll even tie it into our previous item—Barry was the head of FOX, the network that launched with Joan Rivers' own late-night talk show. Barry was the man who hired her. He's also the man who cancelled the show. He was also the man Joan blamed for her husband's suicide. He also eventually became her boss again at QVC—with a far happier ending. And I'm sure Diller likes a happy ending! I have my own Barry story. It was at a Commitment to Life AIDS benefit at the Universal Amphitheatre. From the stage, Barry mentioned something positive about Albania. A phalanx of photographers surrounded him as he was walking past me. "I'm Albanian," I blurted out. And he stopped in his tracks. We talked briefly. I don't recall many details, but I recall him being quite charming.

Where was I? Oh yes, Diller wrote a book. "Who Knew"—no question mark needed. We've not read the book, only excerpts. Barry reveals he was cavorting with other boys since he was a teenager in West Hollywood. As his status rose, he came up with his own "personal bill of rights". He planned to live in silence, but not pretend. He'd never try to convince people he was heterosexual, but would skirt personal questions. He would not delude anyone. Lastly, "I would never bring a man as a date to a heterosexual event—but I'd never bring a woman as a 'beard,' either." He continues, "While there have been a good many men in my life, there has only ever been one woman."

That brings us to Miss von Fürstenberg. Barry calls theirs a "love story". He is adamant that he truly loves her. "There are many complex aspects of my relationship with Diane von Fürstenberg—romantic love and deep respect, companionship and world adventuring, then disappointment and separation, and finally marriage." He admits it's confusing. "I'm well aware that this part of my life has caused confusion and lots of speculation. A relationship that began with indifference, then exploded into a romance as natural to us as breathing, surprised us and everyone else." Regarding his male relationships, Diane says, "It's something I've never discussed with him. Because what is between him and me is so much more. It's so much deeper." She adds, "But, you know, I'm an odd cookie!"

How can I top that? With this week's "Ask Billy" question. Kevin in San Diego writes, "I hear Jude Law shows all in 'Eden'. True??"

True. And, to tie this in with the rest of the column, Jude has twice played the Pope—in "The Young Pope" (a series for HBO) and "The New Pope" (where he played the same character...in a coma). As to "Eden", it's a film from Ron Howard coming out in August. Since I have my ways, I can assure you that Jude looks as scrumptious as ever—and I don't even mind his "enhancements". He walks around shirtless a lot, showing off his impressive physique. And then, yes, he does indeed show all. I know you'll want to see it, and what kinda host would I be to make you wait until August? Just head on over to BillyMasters.com.

When we're showcasing a nude Pope, it's time to end yet another column. Now I'm hungry for a cookie! While I wait around to burn in hell, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site that doesn't break a single commandment. Except that one about coveting a neighbor...or an ass...or a neighbor's ass! If you have a non-liturgical question, send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I'm cast as Mary Magdalene (it could happen)! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.