Billy Masters 07.24.25

"I absolutely love that Colbert got fired. His talent was even less than his ratings. I hear Jimmy Kimmel is next. Has even less talent than Colbert! Greg Gutfeld is better than all
of them combined, including the Moron on NBC who ruined the once great Tonight Show."

- It always tickles me when someone praises someone I've never heard. Like, who is Greg Gutfeld? And why is "Moron" capitalized? Is that a job? Like Moron in Chief?


The city: Fort Lauderdale, FL. The Place: Chase Bank. I went to my local branch after receiving an offer of $500 for opening a business account. Since I've been troubled by Citibank's rapidly diminishing branch locations, I was happy to give their competition my business—especially if I got paid for it. I sat down with a woman reminiscent of a young Julie Kavner—in her "Rhoda" days playing Brenda (who also worked in a bank). I decided to not share my observation with the gal. A smart decision, since her first question to me was the following—"Are you a member of the adult entertainment industry?" Why? Perhaps she's a fan. Or maybe seen some of my oeuvre (I quickly made sure my oeuvre wasn't showing). Or perhaps it's my choice in paramours (or, dare I say, spouses). Or perhaps it was the stack of bills I presented for deposit which gave off a faint but pungent odor. Nonetheless, I responded with a somewhat convincing "No", while making sure my tear-away shorts were fastened tight!

You probably wouldn't be too surprised if I told you someone was outed at a Coldplay concert. But what if I told you that someone wasn't Chris Martin? Oh, sure, now you're surprised. It all happened at Gillette Stadium—just south of my native Boston. As often happens at these concerts, random audience members were featured on the Jumbotron. The camera settled on a man embracing a woman from behind. Chris Martin says, "Oh, look at these two." The woman covers her face and turns around; the man ducks down below the camera. "Come on, you OK? Uh, what?" continues Martin. "Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy. I'm not quite sure." I'll give you two guesses! It might have all ended there, except someone in the audience filmed the entire encounter and posted it on that Chinese video streaming site that all the kids like. And that's how the world discovered Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer, was canoodling with a woman who was most certainly not his wife. It only got worse when reports indicated that the woman in question was Astronomer's Chief People Officer!

Byron quickly issued a mea culpa, which included this rapturous bit of prose: "What was supposed to be a night of music and joy turned into a deeply personal mistake playing out on a very public stage." Except he didn't actually say that! While the incident and video are very real, the apology statement was a hoax, made by a fake Andy Byron! What wasn't fake was that Byron did resign. His former company posted this on Twitter: "Andy Byron has tendered his resignation, and the Board of Directors has accepted." Chris Martin made a statement of his own shortly after the couple ducked out of view of the KissCam: "Holy shit—I hope we didn't do something bad."

Speaking of bad things happening to CEOs, remember Luigi Mangione? The fetching fella who allegedly shot and killed the CEO of UnitedHeathcare? Didya know he had a very wealthy granny (or, more likely, nonna)? We hear that when Mary Mangione died in 2023, she was worth around $30 million. She left this money to her 10 children and 37 grandchildren. For those of you whipping out your abacus (or whatever you're whipping out), 47 people getting a share of $30 million end up with about $643K each. But maybe it will only have to be split amongst 46 people. According to Mary's will, the Trustees could use their discretion to disinherit anyone convicted of a felony. So not only might Luigi end up in the pokey, he might not even have a pokey to piss in!

Someone who knows a thing or two about fetching felons would be Cooper Koch, Emmy nominated for his portrayal of Erik Menendez. Hot on the heels of dropping his drawers for Calvin Klein (which is typically a good career move), he's been cast in Luca Guadagnino's next film, "Artificial". While we're told his role is being kept "under wraps" (very unlike him), the flick is a "comedic drama set in the world of artificial intelligence."

We previously reported the Stonewall National Monument website removed any reference to trans people. Last week, the bisexuals were also eliminated. This was first reported by Erin Reed on July 10th. Within 48 hours of her report, bisexuals were reinstated. The squeaky wheel...

Nobody will ever get me to say anything against the delicious Tom Daley. Not a single thing. But I did enjoy his latest video promoting swimwear for Adidas—which he pronounces as AH-dee-das. Maybe it's a British thing...

At long last, Dolly Parton has unveiled her long-awaited musical biography. "Dolly: A True Original Musical" had its world premiere at Nashville's Fisher Center for the Performing Arts last week. Similar to the Cher and Donna Summer musicals, this show features three actresses playing Dolly at various ages...and sizes. The actresses on hand opening night were Katie Rose Clarke, Carrie St. Louis and Quinn Titcomb—and I couldn't make that up if I tried! The run has been extended two weeks and will now close on August 31st. After that...who knows.

Few things make me happier than a story about Marissa Jaret Winokur, the original star of "Hairspray". But what about a story about Winokur returning to "Hairspray"? The talented Tony winner will be directing a production of the musical for 5-Star Theatricals at the Scherr Forum Theatre in Thousand Oaks. Opening night is October 10th. More details can be found at 5StarTheatricals.com.

I've already told you about the Hollywood Bowl's upcoming semi-staged production of "Jesus Christ Superstar" which runs Aug 1-3. You already know that Cynthia Erivo will be playing Jesus, and Adam Lambert will play Judas. We can now tell you that they will be joined by Josh Gad as Herod, Phillipa Soo as Mary Magdalene, and Raul Esparza as Pilate. Frankly, I was really looking forward to Raul's Magdalene. Well, maybe next year.

Mattel has announced they are expanding the Barbie line. We've already had Barbies of various sizes, colors and ethnicities. We now have a Barbie with Type 1 diabetes! She'll even come equipped with her own glucose monitor! I look forward to a more full-figured Barbie in a blue dress taking a little pill with a big story to tell!

Someone who has actually been a Barbie is Cher. And, boy, did she knock 'em dead last week in Rome. She did a performance at Dolce & Gabbana's Alta Moda show. Easily looking two decades younger than her chronological age, she performed a number of ditties in a number of outfits while sporting a number of different hair styles and colors. While I can't say she actually "sang", they did turn her microphone on for some mid-show patter, including an endless anecdote about filming "Tea with Mussolini" in Rome. You can see the full show on BillyMasters.com.

I must confess, I haven't watched any of this season's "...And Just Like That". I like to wait until the full season has aired—which, in this case, means I'll have something to do mid-August. Anyhoo, many of you have asked why I haven't written about Mario Cantone and his Hot Fellas. I can tell you that Mario and Sebastiano Pigazzi dropped in on the Hot Fellas pop-up at Librae Bakery in NYC. Of course, the photos can be found on our website.

Hot out of our "Ask Billy" mailbag is a note from Karl in San Francisco: "What did I hear about Cameron Mathison doing a shirtless backflip?"

There's one thing I know for sure—Cameron Mathison will bend over forwards and backwards for his fans. The incident in question happened on a sand dune in Oregon. But, to be totally honest, he wasn't shirtless...at least not this time. Since Cameron was posting his latest flip, he decided to take to Instagram and show he's a giver (one of my two favorite kinds of flips). He included some tumbles—many of them shirtless—from various locales around the globe, including Australia, Fiji, and Greece. But, please, don't try this at home...even if you are greased up. For those of you less than technically adept, I link to all of this footage on BillyMasters.com.

When Cam is flipping for his fans, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. You'll certainly flip when you check out www.BillyMasters.com—the site that has no Chinese fingers in it (well, there was that one time in Detroit). Unlike Mathison, I'm willing to flip for fans and foes alike. Just send an explicit e-mail to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I do something bad to an eagerly receptive Chris Martin! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.